McGSP 1999 Manifesto Contents

1999 McGSP Partie List

This is the most exciting election ever, for New Zealanders. On the eve of the new milleniurn we will once again lead the world by voting in the first Funist Government. The entire history of Western Civilisation has been leading up to this inevitable moment.

Like it or not, life will change utterly after December 31, 1999. Even if your computer doesn’t crash at midnight, it doesn’t mean streets worldwide won’t be crammed with crazed individuals burning and looting.

By electing a McGillicuddy Serious Government, while all other nations lie shattered in chaos, our country will stand strong and united.

New Zealanders want the seemingly impossible: both more and less government. More government control over our traditional state assets (forests, power, rail and phone) and support in the areas of health, education and housing; and less government in the form of personal taxation and overregulation.

Only Bonnie Prince Geoffie can embrace this paradox. He sent New Zealanders the McGillicuddy Serious Party with His message of a Great Leap Backwards. Since 1984 we have been spreading the word and preparing the way.

The time is nigh.
Geoffie is coming!!
Are you for him or against him
Vote McGillicuddy while you still can
McGSP 1999 Manifesto Contents

Contacts:

Party Leader & Head Office

Graeme Cairns
c/- AB McGillicuddy, Limeworks Loop Rd, RD 5 Hamilton
phone : 07 825 9933

Tasman Outpost
Steve Richards a.k.a Grogan
Jester House. Tasman.

Southland Branch / Party President
D’Ugh Mackie
Box 6027, Dunedin.

Party Secretary
Bernard Smith
c/- Waitati Postal Restraunt, Otago.
phone : 482 2452

akmcgsp@ihug.co.nz

Internet:
E-mail: akmcgsp@xtra.co.nz

WWW: http://www.hk.linkage.net/~clarke/index.html


Preamble

The McGillicuddy Serious Party will achieve the impossible by attemptmg the ridiculous. We promise to fix society all at once by completely abolishing parliament, while at the same time setting up the most comprehensive social system known to humanity.

And the best part is that it will be fun for everyone. All McGillicuddy Serious policies are tested to the standards set by our guiding philosophy: Funism.

The central policy plank of the McGillicuddy Serious Party is the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS©. A thorough study of all different lifestyles and political systems reveals that a technologically simple, subsistence-level tribal society, ruled over by a pauper King or Queen provides, by far, the highest quality of life, and is the most fun for all concerned. While other political parties compete to ruin your lives with differing forms of “progress” (1), The Great Leap Backwards is a 450 year plan (2) designed to take us back to the good old days. In our medieval society, the Clan is the dominant social structure and provides all the necessary social services with low-technology solutions.

Most people think we need others ruling over us, and making all the big decisions. Not surprisingly it has mostly been politicians who have popularised this sort of thinking.

Warning: Do not be fooled!

Arguments about which form of parliamentary democracy to have, miss the point entirely: Do we really want to be governed from Wellington by any number of incompetent, self serving, suit-wearing slackers?! Total decentralisation is the only way to ensure full and proper representation.

Once elected Government, the McGillicuddy Serious Party promises to:

Burn the beehive, abolish Parliament and sack all MP’s

Ban Electricity, outlaw money, and ship all modern technology overseas to pay off debts.

Cease all Exports and Imports

Establish Nationwide, a network of semi-autonomous Clan’s and Tribes.

Crown Bonnie Prince Geoffie, King of New Zealand.

Bonnie Prince Geoffie I (The Reluctant) is the messiah that the McGillicuddies have been waiting to crown King of New Zealand for many years. In reality, he will have very little political power, but in practice he will be invaluable, providing many functions: a symbol of nationhood to the outside world, a guru- like reassurance for those who feel they still need a formal -


custodial government, a facilitator of nationwide liaison through a constantly touring roadshow, and a travelling garbage disposal system. And the good news is that this amusing, stylish, and unobtrusive system, unlike other Kings and Queens of the past, will cost each New Zealander next to nothing in upkeep.

So, unlike other parties who are trying to win your vote with the empty promise of more money in your pockets, the McGillicuddy Serious Party offers the best reward of all: a stable, satisfying, and meaningful lifestyle. We don’t promise you money, but we will show you how to make your own pockets!

It is with this carefully considered and scientifically tested vision of New Zealand in mind, that we unfold for your voting pleasure, the following curiously sensible policies for l999. (3)


NOTE: Many people have criticised the McGillicuddy Serious Party as being too serious. While we understand the value of humour in politics and education, it is unfortunately, not a forte of ours, and so there are no jokes in this manifesto. To both remedy this, and to personalise your copy of the McGillicuddy Serious Party 1999 manifesto, please insert your favourite joke in the space provided:



(3) For a more detailed explanation of our founding ideas, see the philosopy chapters in the second half of this manifesto


(1) “Progress” is really only change dressed up in fancy clothes pretending to be both an improvement and inevitable. So-called “Progress” is always only one of many options open to us (and usually the one that most benefits those advocating it).

(2) Formerly the “500 year plan.” but now reduced to a snappy 450 years due to recent innovations in Regression Technology, enabling us to save 10% off our program, and cut our costs.

The policies of the McGillicuddy Serious Party

Women’s Affairs

Worse off now

Common consent has it that the western world is now post-feminist. This implies firstly that the tinkerings of the three official waves of feminism have achieved their goals, and secondly that they were worth achieving in the first place.

Actually, women have been hoodwinked into believing that life is better for them now than it was before (back when there were no legal abortions, restricting undergarments, all male school boards, ostracism of solo mums, the lie back and think of England syndrome, and witch burnings). The truth is that women are far worse off now than at any time in the past. Women are more than ever bound physically, economically, mentally and institutionally to a society created by and for the benefit of blokes. The dangers of a fiasco like suffrage is that it tricks women into co-operating in their own enslavement.


Tribalism will set women free

A return to less modern ways of life requires the full participation of women. Everybody will be able to pursue the vocations best suited to them (see EDUCATION). The role of child-carer will not be restricted to biological parent for in a clan based society this task will be taken by those with the aptitude and inclination, either male or female. Women will also have the right to choose abortion, both pre- and post natal (see CLAN-PLANNING).

Men made a big mistake when they began owning property and started viewing themselves as parents, as they then developed a desire to hand this property, along with their name, on to ‘their’children, Sons in particular. This posed the question “How can I be sure these are my children?”. The answer was to turn women into possessions; gain control of them by limiting their sexual contacts and ensure that they remained dependant on men (eg. for food, shelter and social clout).


The McGillicuddy Serious Government will outlaw surnames and forbid men from owning land, money, buildings or businesses. This should keep their worst tendencies under control.

6 O’Clock Closing Reintroduced



In recent years, we have seen an increase in the number of vicious physical assaults perpetrated by men. Modern man has proved that he is not sufficiently responsible to be allowed out at night. McGilhcuddies will introduce a 6pm curfew for men, until they can demonstrate that they are big and grown up enough to behave themselves (1).

(1) And the All Blacks will have a new uniform.


Agriculture

Debunking the myth


Since farming began in New Zealand early last century, farmers have been regarded as the backbone of the country: both politically, economically, morally and artistically. The conversion of all those useless acres of scrub (ie forest and swamp) into “productive land” has been viewed as Gods Holy Work and happened faster here than anywhere else in the world.

Behind the neat facade of electric fences and cattle stops, however, the so-called “caretakers” of the land have been acting like rapists. There has been massive erosion, poisoning, nutrient depletion, extinction of native flora and fauna, introduced pests in plague proportions, and near total deforestation.

We could hardly have made a worse mess if we had tried, and if New Zealand realistically intended to continue exporting surplus primary produce (ie meat, wool, cheese and butter) as a means of generating national income, we would be in very big trouble (1). Luckily for us, the worldwide market for our food and fibre has utterly collapsed, and now the only markets we need to serve are our own.

McGillicuddy Serious is the only party bold enough to state the obvious; It's time for New Zealand to STOP Exporting and Importing altogether. (see ECONOMY).

The McGillicuddy Serious Government will re-establish people-intensive, permacultural, peasant-style food production (2). With the Great Wind Up and removal of all wire fencing from the rural landscape, traditional rural past times will be revived (eg. shepherding, swineherding, hunting, gathering, drystone walling, preserving, malting, barrel-making and feasting).

Compensation for Farmers

In exchange for their acres and acres of marginally economically viable land, and the cancellation of their crippling mortgages, farmers will no doubt be delighted to receive a few good axes and some sturdy tartan rugs, along with their allotment of confiscated pine logs, and a tiny parcel of clan land (see: MAORITANGA, HOUSING, CLAN PLANNING). They will also be very glad of all the extra help with the farming, as everyone will be involved with the land in some way assisting the survival of the Clan. Everyone grows or gathers food to eat or swap for other food they wish to eat. Natural fibres are likewise exchanged, and processed further by cottage industry, and so on, for all the requirements of life.

A generous supply of food and other agricultural products for all New Zealanders will easily be maintained once exporting has ceased, and we Trade Clan Made. (see: EMPLOYMENT).

(1) If mainstream modern farming practises were to continue unabated, the subsequent erosion and drought would see 72% of NZ either underwater or in desert by the year 2020.

(2) ie. organic, sustainable, subsistence

Clan Planning

Exploding the nuclear family

Which is more dangerous: the nuclear bomb or the nuclear family?

The nuclear family is a ridiculous, modern structure on which to base a society. It leads to unnaturally high and unfair work loads, social isolation, loneliness, stress and misery for a lot of people.

A more sensible idea is for all New Zealanders to live in Clans. The Clan will provide both homemakers and breadwinners with a much easier life, because all functions of the extended family will be more evenly spread between its members. People will take turns to carry out the things that need doing, and the social isolation and stress of spending most of the time with only one other adult and/or a whole bunch of screaming kids will end. Imagine spending most days with a big group composed of your social friends, your closest workmates, your best neighbours and your favourite relies. Well Clan life will be like that, only better.

We are expecting a significant reduction in the divorce rate, because while partners could be changed more easily and safely within a Clan, the desire to do so will be minimal. Mostly this will simply be because there will be many more people to spend all sorts of interesting time with, but also because everyone else’s little foibles will be well known, thus making extra-marital romance much less alluring.

The Collective aspect of Clans will end the silly male obsession with immortality through heirs and wealth (see WOMEN’S AFFAIRS). The ‘bairns” will belong to the whole Clan, and will see the Clan Elders as authority figures, and the child-nurturers as collective parents. There will be no more need for baby sit ters, day care centers, pre schools, playcentres, schools, poly techs, universities or any of the other hideously expensive child-minding facilities (see EDUCATION). The crazy striving for jobs in order to support ones family will be over. The result will be more time for socialising, fun, and games.

The Ministry

How do we go from a miserable, modern, nuclear family structure, to a super successful, satisfying and static pre-industrial society? The McGillicuddy Serious Party think-tank proposes to set up the Ministry of Clan Planning to oversee this transition during the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS©. Its crucial role will be to help groups of people who are related (either genetically, geographically, socially or arbitrarily (1) to club together into Clans and take part in the creation and adoption of a collective tribal vision and mythos.

The job of relocating all these people, finding land for the Clansfolk, and coallating (2) the vast range of necessary medieval resources will indeed be an exciting challenge. (see: TRIBALISM).

Population Control and abortion.

Initially we expect that the emigration of millions of people fleeing our fun revolution will reduce the population to around Two million (see IMMIGRATION). This low level will increase the already high standard of living of the Great Leap Backwards by lowering environmental impact and reducing social pressures. Later on, it is expected that plagues and pestilence will control population to some extent. During these times a high birth rate will be valued and encouraged (fertility cults will proliferate).

There will be, we imagine, long periods of prosperity and fertility. Life will not be short and nasty, but long and pleasant (see HEALTH). During these times, responsible population management should be encouraged by the Clans themselves, who will hopefully be aware of what numbers their ENVIRONMENT can sustain. However, in a low technology society with only primitive forms of contraception (eg. herbal medicine, sheep-gut, fish-gut, and hemp condoms, abstinence, the rhythm method, homosexuality, lesbianism, sperm retention and magic) unwanted pregnancy could still occur.

The McGillicuddy Serious Party is therefore fully in favour of abortion both pre- and post- natal. Thus women who become encumbered with unwanted embryos or offspring will have the right to terminate up to eighteen years. Similarities to this approach are found in many tribal societies such as the Inuit (Eskimos) and some of the Aboriginal Peoples of Australia, as it leads to responsible population management, a necessary part of resource management.




Defence

External - Short Term

Upon becoming Government, the McGillicuddy Serious Party will immediately sack all Ministry of Defence personnel except one. The most lowly-paid new recruit will be promoted to Minister of Defence, (but only on their present salary) and given a tiny fortified bunker, a generator, a small amount of diesel, and an answerphone.

We will then contract-out the defence of Aotearoa to our enemies (ie. whichever foreign power poses the greatest threat of invasion eg. Indonesia, USA, Australia, etc). That country (or consortium of countries) will have the highly complex and self destructive task of fighting themselves on our behalf.

This has the extra benefit of putting them in a very tricky legal position, and just a few good New Zealand Lawyers should be able to tie them up in Court for years, buying us valuable preparation time.

Should, however, the Judges rule against New Zealand, and if subsequently the nonprotecting force wins a victory and invades us before the Great Leap Backwards is complete, don’t dispair, we still have a few inexpensive and highly effective strategies up our sleeve.

The McGillicuddy Serious Government will shift the International Date Line. Already it meanders all over the place, taking in some land masses and excluding others. It will therefore be a simple matter to move it from the East Coast over to the West Coast of New Zealand, putting us a whole day behind. The resulting confusion in the invading army will give us all an extra 24 hours in which to head for the hills and hide. All of us, except, that is, the new Minister of Defence, whose role it will be to start up the generator that powers the Defence Ministry answer phone which has the recorded message

“DON’T SHOOT, WE SURRENDER” (in whatever language is necessary).

External - Long Term

Central to the long term defence of our Medieval nation will be the External Ignorance Bureau, a section of the DEPARTMENT OF IGNORANCE. Their task will be to travel around the world, secretly tampering with maps, both existing and in preparation, introducing little hiccups in the programs of satellites, and removing all mention of New Zealand and Aotearoa from all non-fiction publications. By the time the Great Leap Backwards is complete, New Zealand will have mysteriously disappeared completely from the worlds collective memory. Consequently, no one will even visit us, let alone mount a fully fledged invasion. If, how-
-ever , an invading force does one day stumble upon these shores by accident, the responsibility of the nations defence will fall to the combined Clans, under the leadership of the Monarch. Pacifist warriors from the length and breadth of the country will join together, and present such an intimidating front as to scare off any invaders (1).

Internal

Violence is certainly nasty, but aggression is a perfectly healthy and useful behaviour. Modern warfare has become a lot like hunting for food - sneaking around under cover and trying to wipe out your foe. This is not traditional and has given the once lovely pursuit of warfare a bad name. Real war, as performed by many societies throughout history, involves intimidation through spectacular displays of costume, song and dance. Armies would go into battle to the blare of a trumpet, pipes and drums, and under these circumstances the annihilation of one side was unheard of. The losing side would sooner or later run away.


McGillicuddy will repopularise this highly ritualised and enjoyable form of warfare which ensures the minimal results (negligible deaths) for the maximum effort. It is this form of theatrical battling, pursued by the McGillicuddy Highland Army (the Military wing of the McGillicuddy Serious Party) since 1979 and still seen in many tribal societies around the world, which will serve as the model for bands of irregular warriors that each Clan will maintain for their own protection and amusement. After the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS© all technological weapons will be banned and soldiers will be armed solely with weapons designed to cause the minimum of injury; soft swords, flour bombs and a certain skill in overacting. To defuse disagreements between Clans, rival armies will engage one another, fighting according to the time honoured rules of Pacifist Warfare. The likelihood of warfare escalating into carnage is remote given that there will be a more enjoyable lifestyle to return to, less pressure on resources (see CLAN PLANNING), and no weapons of mass destruction. Thus casualties will be minimised and warfare can once again take on the triple function of Conflict resolution, Therapeutic tension release and Entertaining pageantry.

(1) This may sound futile but is it any different from our present predicament? Realistically, the down-grading from frigates to flour bombs, and Skyhawks to wooden swords, when faced with a highly armed (and possibly nuclear capable) foe, is like swapping your sharpened stick for a blunt one when facing a cannon.



The Economy


An Ideal system

The perfect economic system for New Zealand is one where all the citizens lead a relaxed, communal, pre-industrial way of life. Money will, of course, cease to exist. The disappearance of both economists and the Media will quickly ensure that nobody thinks about the Economy, and pretty soon people will stop worrying about it.



Debt

Failed economic schemes of past Governments have resulted in a grossly inflated foreign debt. Not to be outdone, the McGillicuddy Serious Party plans some massive short-term borrowing in order to purchase sufficient stocks of essential medieval-style minerals sadly lacking in Aotearoa (eg. Copper, tin and lead)(1).

Following this, however, we are committed to clearing the Foreign Debt as quickly as possible. However, rather than selling off state assets for monetary return, the McGillicuddy Government will return the liability, so to speak. This will be achieved by firstly, sending all the technological junk no longer needed after the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS© back to wherever it came from, and secondly, telling APEC to organise the cancellation of the debt. Any unwanted domestic assets owned by overseas interests (eg Telecom, NZ Rail, Energy companies) will also be crated up and shipped off to their present owners. However, all such useful assets (eg. Kaiangoroa State Forest) will be nationalised (2) (see HOUSING).

(1)These will be buried down NZ’s disused coal mines for safe keeping, to be dug up as required.

(2) ie. stolen back

Monetary Policy

The central plank of the McGillicuddy Finance Policy is the eventual abolition of money. Af ter all, people are often heard to mutter how they hate the stuff. Unfortunately people are so bound up with the concept of money that to remove it immediately is probably not feasible. The first step is to make money very annoying as a means of exchange, frustrating potential users with its bulk and valuelessness, to a point that the population gives money up as a sick joke.


Initially, The McGillicuddy Finance Minister will intervene in the economy to keep a tightly managed money supply. Their first act will be to stop the printing of “paper” money and to reintroduce one and two cent pieces. The mass migration and disinvestments as overseas investors flee the country after the election will devalue the dollar even further. The Monetary Reform will then base the dollar on the REDUCING LUNAR SAND STANDARD which is incredibly complicated(1). To summanse; it involves the value of the currency changing daily according to the phase of the moon, the monarch’s weight, and Her/His age.

Taken together these policies will result in money falling into disrepute and disuse, disappearing fmally from human existence and memory. Clan people will conduct trading through barter, market days, festivals and other jolly forms of gift exchange. The depression will be over.

If we’re wrong, we’ll give you your money back!

(1) see Appendix I for full explanation.



Education

A Government Plot

After over 100 years of compulsory state-run education, 50 % of all New Zealanders are now below average intelligence. Schools are nothing but a government plot to turn kids into mindless, unimaginative zombies.

So to ensure everyones survival amidst the flamboyant revitalisation of the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS©, it will be necessary for the McGillicuddy Serious Party to start medieval training programs (1) to positive downskill (2) the peasants.

A Lifetime of learning

Once the Great Leap Backwards is complete, the Clan will take over the full responsibility for all teaching and learning, which will be recognised as an ongoing process lasting for the whole of ones life and thus the school leaving age will be raised to (at least) 65.

As society will be experiencing very little change, jobs are likely to remain consistent over generations.. Once again, years of experience will yield expertise not redundancy. A McGillicuddy Serious Government would introduce compulsory apprentiships for all. At various stages of their lives everyone would be both student and teacher. Novices will gravitate towards the masters within the Clan best able to serve her or his needs and desires, and then in turn, pass this wisdom on to the next generation as required.

Teenagers will be abolished and children will once again take on responsibilities at an early age.

Over time education in New Zealand will evolve into the perfect supplier of society’s real needs. This surely is the goal of all education systems, no matter how elaborate or informal.

Equal lack of access for most.

There will still be one person educated at everyone’s expense; The Monarch. On being chosen, the royal infant will begin a lifetime of travelling from clan to clan, with their entourage, learning all the things needed to be a great King/Queen, such as oratory, compassion, fairness, a sense of humour, and being able to deal pleasantly with annoying people. It enables the Monarch to rule what will be the entire known world stylishly, amusingly, competently and fairly

(1) MACCESS, or Medieval Access; (see HOUSING), and TOPS or Training Other Peasants; (see EMPLOYMENT).

(2) ie. negative upskill



Environment

Throwing the money-changers out of the temple

Long before there were any humans, the world was simple; the sun shone, the rain fell, and plants and animals grew and died naturally. Since then, humanity has placed itself above nature. We discovered Gods and Science that gave us free reign over the Earth. Ecosystems millions of years old are being permanently altered, an extraordinarily dangerous situation. We are a part of nature and, as such, have a responsibility to ourselves and everything else to take only what we need and replace all that we can. If we don’t, we risk killing off not only ourselves, but every other living thing. Humanity is no longer at the mercy of the environment, the environment is at the mercy of humanity. This is wrong. To reembrace the sacredness of the forest and land, we must first throw the money changers out of the temple.

Nature must again have the upper hand, and we can’t turn to scientists or businessmen to do the job. They can’t even repair the damage they have already caused.

Total Reforesation

About a thousand years ago Aotearoa was covered in forest and was inhabited by a uniquely diverse range of birds, giant insects and reptiles. Although many species are gone forever, much can be done to repopulate this land with it’s native inhabitants. Knocking down cities, the mass emigration of a large per centage of the population following the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS©, and the end of large scale farming and forestry will be of immediate benefit. Native forests will be replanted at an initial rate of 100,000 hectares per year until the land is reforested back to the island paradise it once was. There will be some retention of exotic flora to feed and warm people. Scottish oats, Macrocarpa, and a few other useful weeds will be supplied as seeds for a few years, after which seed management will be the Clan’s responsibility.

The End to Pollution

As part of the Great Leap Backwards, all factories, abattoirs and power stations will be dismantled, and the internal combustion engine will be abolished, along with any other industrial and post-industrial technologies that are damaging to the natural environment. These measures may seem extreme but they are the only hope for the continuation of life on this planet. Other parties ineffectual pale green tinkering is only postponing the catastrophe. People who vote for any of them must bear personal responsibility for the complete annihilation of life on this planet!



Genetically Engineered Foods

The McGillicuddy Serious Party is all in favour of genetically engineering our food stock on the grounds that it will further the collapse of the world economy.

The first so-called “Green Revolution” happened when the heavy usage of agricultural chemicals, and high-yield crops was thrust upon food-producing countries. The effect was a massive glut in certain foods, the worldwide collapse of many traditional systems of food production and small scale sustainable producers were put permanently out of business.


The advent of genetically-engineered foods, and the vigour with which they are being promoted, promises to do miles more of the same. There will be a further reduction in the value of food, and an increase in the value of, and reliance upon, industrial products. Food producing countries will get falling export returns, and faced with rising import costs, will fail loans, collapsing first their, and then the worlds economy.

Some parties think the collapse of the world economy is a bad thing. Not so the McGillicuddy Serious Party. We are all for it, and on these grounds we support the thorough and speedy introduction of Genetically Modified Organisms of all descriptions.(1)

Rest assured that we have already set aside sufficient “Heritage” seed stock for the entire country to begin again, after the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS(c).

(1) Eg. Especially the Genetically Modified Kakapo that enjoys breeding, is tame and can beat up Possums,


Health

Total Health

The McGillicuddy Serious Party is committed to the policy of Total Health. We promise to reduce waiting lists, provide more doctors, more hospital beds and many more hospitals, while at the same time slashing the health dollar. To achieve Total Health we believe in the combination of a healthy medieval lifestyle and a complete lack of funding.


Of all the technological advances of the last 500 years, those that people are most willing to accept as positive progress is in the area of Health. However it is increasingly clear that this enthusiasm is largely misplaced. The simple lesson from history is that as advanced as medicine has become, something else has come along to make people sick. The recent disturbing emergence of antibiotic-resistant bacteria is a classic example of this. Constantly pumping chemicals into the human body can create as many problems as it solves. Then to compensate for the increasing failure of technology to solve our nations heath problems, Governments over the last few decades have turned more and more to expensive technology, paid for out of money from traditional services. In a recent poll, 72% of people agreed that health services have suffered in recent years.

How does New Zealand get the best health service it deserves?

The McGillicuddy Serious Party’s Total Health policy provides a two pronged approach.


Less funding - Better Service

Presently in New Zealand, the more health dollars a Government spends, the fewer the number of hospitals that remain open. Total Health can therefore only be achieved through Zero Spending. THE GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS© recognises and embraces this paradox and whilst axing all health spending, the McGillicuddy Serious Government will multiply the number of hospitals, until every house becomes a hospital (1). The distance to the nearest hospital is thus greatly reduced, and with the increase in the number of rural doctors, so too are operation waiting times.



(1) To be sung to the same tune as the National Anthem of Canada.


User Prays


Once dependency on a centralised health system has been broken, old fashioned and traditional forms of health care will be encouraged. The McGillicuddy Serious Party recognises that the success or failure of all medicine is largely dependant on the patients belief in it, rather than the amount of money spent. Thus a variety of medical practitioners will be available to work with the multiplicity of belief systems that will proliferate in our medieval paradise. In addition to the G.P.s, surgeons, homoeopathic healers, acupuncturists, naturopaths, psychotherapists, dietitians, etc. that already abound, New Zealanders will enjoy the services of witch doctors, faith healers, travelling quacks and other more traditional members of the medical profession.


Each clan will then become responsible for the good health of its people. This system of user prays, combined with healthier, stress free lifestyles, the adoption of appropriate natural medicine, an ample and varied food supply and the removal of death causing technologies such as motor cars will mean that, contrary to initial impressions, the Great Leap Backwards will, in the long term, increase the life expectancy of New Zealanders. A final important consideration is that in a Clan based society, free of modern busy lives, there will be plenty of time for care of the old, ill, and disabled by their extended families. This will certainly be the ultimate form of commumty care and being sick will once again become fun.


Housing


Shelter: a basic Human Need

Building or buying your own house has become far too expensive in New Zealand, and now that the government has stopped providing them cheaply for the poor, we have a rapidly worsening housing crisis with many people now homeless. This is just too cruel.

This will never again happen in this country under McGillicuddy Serious Government. During the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS, the Peasant Employment Programs (PEP) workers will erect a medieval hovel for absolutely everyone, depending on their needs, their choice of approved styles, and the location of their Clan. To assist total home ownership, we will nationalise all foreign-owned Plantation Forests (eg. Kaiangaroa) and give the trees away free to New Zealand citizens (1). After we’ve provided a roof over everyone’s head all repairs and subsequent construction become the responsibility of the Clan. Clan members will have either taken part in the massive reconstruction or will have been trained up separately through a work skills development scheme; MACCESS (or Medieval Access). It will be their responsibility to pass on their knowledge to future generations, to ensure there is never again a housing shortage (see EDUCATION).

Smashing the Building Codes

The total relaxing of all building codes, particularly the finicky annoying ones that presently stop most people from putting up their own houses will greatly encourage this building boom. The real point of modem building codes is not so much to make houses safe but to prevent rip-off-artists selling dodgy dangerous dwellings to dimwits. As houses will no longer be a saleable commodity under a Clan based subsistence lifestyle, this ceases to be a concern(3). If people want to build a house that crashes down on their loved ones heads, that’s entirely up to them.




(1) Every man, woman and child will receive approximately 72 full-sized logs each.

(2) Following the introduction of the new calendar system.

(3) see MAORITANGA


Immigration

The Business Round Table, and other commercial interests in New Zealand are constantly proposing that our population be increased through immigration. The figure of Five Million by the year 2020 has been suggested in order to both stimulate the domestic economy, and for New Zealand to become a significant player in the world market. The only reason why the Round Table and their mates advocate this is so they can make even more money at our expense. The McGillicuddy Serious Party strongly disagrees with population increase.

Ethic Cleansing

It is essential for New Zealand to reduce it’s population in order to minimalise our detrimental effect on the ENVIRONMENT, to reduce pressure on resources, and to reduce social pressures. The figure we have identified to quickly and effectively achieve this end is Two Million by the year 2002.

The McGillicuddy Serious Party (1) predicts a huge number of people (those that enjoy making heaps of money and/or being miserable), shortly after our election victory, will opt out of the marvellous utopian society we intend to build here, and flee for other shores completely of their own free will, and good riddance to the lot of them.

This exodus is to be encouraged, as there will be hoards of good people from all around the world wishing to join us in this great adventure (2). We will, however, let only a very few of them in. Our projections reveal an immediate need for people with a genuine skill in certain medieval professions to teach the TOPs (Training Other Peasants) classes. The department will set up a fiendishly complex points system where applicants will be tested on, amongst other things, their sense of fun, their suspicion and/or ignorance of modern things and their ability to live without electricity and money. We will ensure New Zealand gets a consistently high calibre of new immigrants all willing and able to fit in and do their bit.

(1) demographic department

(2) That is until our new External Ignorance Bureau, under the DEPARTMENT OF IGNORANCE, can erase “New Zealand” from the worlds memory.

The current industrial and technological skills fashionable in our society will be useless after the Great Leap Backwards. There will be an immediate need for essential low technology experts in New Zealand. Some of the skills the immigration department will be looking for are:

* Blacksmiths
* Cartwnghts
* Coopers
* Mad Prophets
* Thatchers
* Stonemasons
* Midwives
* Nightsoil Carters
*Travelling Quacks

* Tinkers
* Plague Cart Operators
* Chimney Sweeps
* Bellows operators
* Jesters
* Shamans (no new age weirdoes thank you)
* Village Idiots
* Bamboo Engmeers.
* Mad Scientists



Law and Order

ITS A CRIME HOW MUCH CRIME WE HAVE IN NEW ZEALAND.

Laws Make Criminals

After the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS (C) much of what in New Zealand is presently labelled “criminal behaviour” will become respectable occupations; (eg. Drug dealing, dodgy building, quackery, soliciting for prostitution, treasonous rival claims to the throne). Other crimes will simply become impossible to commit; eg. Fraud, tax evasion and traffic misdemeanours (due to the abolition of money and the outlawing of the motor car.). Similarly, home invasion and burglary, while not exactly impossible, are highly unlikely to occur (due to the absence of fancy consumer goods (see ECONOMY) This will massively reduce police workloads (1).


Tribal Justice Systems

For those few remaining crimes, all matters of Law and Order will be taken care of within the Clans, as administrated by the Chief and Clan Elders. Because of the stable nature of the new medieval society, the happy and satisfying lifestyle busily being pursued by everyone, and the way in which Clans tend to act as the most effective Community Support and Community Watch groups in the history of the world, it is anticipated that Crime will plummet to an all time low.

The role of any justice system when dealing with crime is a threefold one; to deter those who might commit an offence, to punish those who do, and to change their behaviour so they don’t do it again. Public ridicule within the Clan, as orchestrated by the Clan Chief, Elders, and other humiliation experts achieves all three. Beyond this, the ultimate punishment imaginable will be banishment from your Clan forever.

Sub-Zero Tolerance

The McGillicuddy Serious Government will reinstate the old system of Prison Ships. However, unlike their predecessors, they will not be old decommissioned hulks lying permanently moored in various harbours. Once full, they will slowly sail offshore to secretly discharge their cargo in the disputed lands of Antarctica.

(1) down to nothing... .goodbye policeforce.

(2) A Kakapo in every pot and a manifesto in every garage.


Maoritanga

An Example to us all

The Clan McGillicuddy has long been impressed and encouraged by the example of Maori Marae life. Tribal Maori culture will fit easily into the Great Leap Backwards, thus enabling most Maori to make an almost immediate transition to the magnificent medieval McGillicuddy paradise. Also, the highly developed Maori sense of fun makes them even better candidates for McGillicuddy Serious doctrine.

No Money, But Heaps Of Land

The McGillicuddy Serious Party has by far the best land-rights settlement policy of any Party. We propose to return many millions of acres to the Tangata Whenua. This will not be all of the land of Aotearoa of course, as some will have to be given to other tribes, and the new clans that arise from the Ministzy of Clan Planning’s monumental efforts.

Due to the abolition of money, there will however be no monetary compensation whatsoever for anyone in these settlements, but it is safe to say that more land will be returned under McGillicuddy rule, than would be under all the other parties put together.

Throughout this vigorous and surprisingly rapid compulsory land acquisition and redistribution process, Pakeha farmers will have nothing to fear. They will be adequately compensated for the loss of their land with many good axes, and fluffy woollen blankets, items which will be highly sought after following the Great Leap Backwards.

Crucial diplomacy


It appears that under the present Treaty of Waitangi, it may be illegal for the McGillicuddy Serious Government to abolish parliament. So Maori will first have to ditch their pakeha-style bureaucrats, businesspeople and other professionals, who out of greed and selfishness are attempting to drag Maoridom down the western road and who might appeal to the Waitangi Tribunal to stop the abolition of parliament. To help traditional Maori silence the “Brown Table”, the McGillicuddy Serious Party will bribe them with bits of redundant Auckland City Real-estate, and other useless 20th Century trinkets.

Te Tiriti o Waitangi

New Versions of the Treaty will be written and signed by all the Tribes and Clans, with Bonnie Prince Geoffie at Waitangi, so the nations founding document will continue to be Te Tiriti o Waitangi. The new version will emphasise fun, tribalism, Tino Rangatiratanga and adherence to the principals of pre-industrial technology, and total isolationism. The new ECONOMY will be included, defining methods of trading (ie all consumables can be bartered, but longer lived items (such as HOUSING, clothing, carvings, paintings, furniture) can only be given away.)

Any person or tribe not willing to sign the new treaty, will be given 6 months to pack up and clear out (see APPLICATION TO BECOME AN AUSTRALIAN CITIZEN).

Maori outside the iwi structure will need to go through the same exciting process as most pakeha, ie club together into new/different Clans (see CLAN PLANNING). The Urban Maori Authorities are already a big step in this direction.


Employment

Full Unemployment for all.

Full Employment can never be achieved in modem society, no matter how often politicians say otherwise. As machines become bigger and faster they will continue to replace human beings in the workplace. There is only one way to create jobs for everyone and that is to change the way people work, and to do this, we will have to sack everybody first.

The entire country will become unemployed the moment our election victory is announced. Don’t expect to be able to “sleep in” and watch afternoon television for the rest of your lives though, for there is much to do.

Work for the dole

The present government’s heavily-promoted Work For The Dole Scheme is proving to be a complete flop, and desperately needs a major revamp. We will, therefore, cut the “Dole” part right out (see “Abolition of Money” in ECONOMY). and make it Work for Free.

Big jobs like ploughing up motorways, knocking down all those ugly modern buildings and replacing them with lovely medieval substitutes will keep people busy for some years. We will bring back the PEP schemes (Peasant Employment Programme) to oversee this massive under taking.

In their spare time, people will be given all sorts of handy Medieval skills in TOPS (Training Other Peasants; see EDUCATION) classes, preparing them for after the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS©. Clans will operate as groups of subsistence crafts-people, and will need to ensure that their members, between them, have the complete range of skills needed for the Clan’s physical and mental survival. All work will be clan work.

Recreation and occupation become the same thing

The definition of “work” will come to include almost everything people do. It will be like a cross between a hobby, a game and a religious ceremony. Everyone will be able to see just how valuable their contribution is to their immediate friends and neighbours, and at last, will feel good about it, even on Mondays!


The Department of Ignorance

Gently Brainwashing the population

The pestering possibility that the blissfully naive population could get seduced by the decadent ways of the outside world prompted The McGillicuddy Serious Party to promise the establishment of the Department of Ignorance. It will ensure that the outside world cannot intervene to prevent our Glorious

GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS(C)

Ignorance is Bliss

The Department will use unemployed teachers, not as disseminators of information, but rather as destroyers of information. Their job will be the ongoing elimination of all nonapproved, nasty modern items that might upset the happily ignorant masses.

The intrusion of incomprehensibly modern things from the outside world must be kept to a minimum as we strive for a culturally rich, static and enjoyable pre-industrial society (see TRIBALISM). If, for example, a bit of space junk came plummeting out of the sky and landed in the middle of National Park, a Security of Ignorance Service (SIS) team would have to nip out there pretty smartly and destroy it before anybody got upset. The SIS will have members in every Clan and, initially, will not be unlike a shy, plain-clothed Fire Service. But as the generations pass and the agents themselves have less and less idea why it is that they have to do these things, it will become more like some weird secret society, such as the Freemasons or Ministry of Works.


External Ignorance

The other key Organisation in the Department will be the External Ignorance Bureau (EIB) which will be charged with the crucial task of protecting the country from invasion (both military and touristy). Currently most people in the world don’t really know where New Zealand is. EIB staff will encourage this happy situation, by putting about the rumour and producing “scientific evidence” that New Zealand never existed, and distributing maps that “accidentally” leave New Zealand off the bottom right hand corner. No one will even visit, let alone invade. It worked for Atlantis, it can work for us too. (see DEFENCE)



Fishy Business and Messing about in Boats

Commercial Fisheries Thrown Overboard.

Commercial fisheries cannot control themselves. Without regulation, and driven by the dollar, they mercilessly plunder the ocean turning it into a watery desert. A McGillicuddy Serious Government will change the way we catch fish, returning to simpler, less destructive methods.

Quotas


The present quota system, intended to preserve the recreational and commercial fisheries for future generations was so poorly designed that the exact opposite is happening. Our marine resources continue to be plundered at an unsustainable rate, and the “right to fish commercially” has in itself become a tradeable commodity.

Those who own, and lease-out their Quota are raking in the cash, while the brave men and women who risk their lives on the sea hardly make a living.

The McGillicuddy Serious Government will remedy this blunder beginning with a cunning and simple two step plan.

Force the sale of all existing quota to foreign investors (At current prices, this should net billions of dollars. This may be used to pay off national debt

(see ECONOMY)).

Once the last kilo of quota has been flogged off, immediately reduce the Total Allowable Catch for all species, in all areas to NIL, thus putting a stop to all large scale pillaging of our marine resources. Quota holders will be furious, but the fish will be very happy.

Recreational Fisheries.



Under present systems, the daily catch limits for recreational fishers are set at absurdly low levels, and recreational fishers are not allowed to trade, sell or exchange their catch. Once the McGillicuddy Serious Party has axed commercial fishing entirely, we will make substantial increases to the present Recreational Catch Levels, and also allow fishers to exchange their catch for sand (see REDUCING LUNAR SAND STANDARD) or barter for other food and consumables. With no convenient means of exchange, it is not expected that recreational overfishing will ever occur. Eventually, the setting of sustainable catch limits will be set by the Clan.

Today’s commercial fishing has caused a shocking decline in our fish stocks. After the Great Leap Backwards the combination of falling population pressures, a lack of commercial fishing and high-technology fishing equipment, fish stocks will return to the levels they were before Jesus became a fisheries consultant (Luke 5: 1-9).

Marine Transport and Safety Standards

The McGillicuddy Serious Party is alarmed at the increasing numbers of steel, aluminium, concrete and fibreglass boats in Aotearoa, and the consequent decline of the traditional wooden boat building industry. Every child knows that steel, aluminium, concrete and glass do not float, but that wood does, therefore boats should be built out of wood. The Party will scuttle all boats not made of wood to form artificial reefs to encourage the re-emergence of overfished reef species.

In line with McGillicuddy policy to do away with the internal combustion engine (see ECONOMY), all boats will be sail, paddle or treadmill powered. Crews will be motivated with the chanting of waiata and the singing of quaint sea shanties.


Policies (allegedly) sold off to other parties

These policies have (allegedly) been sold to whichever party would pay in a shameless pre-election fund raising drive. We take no responsibility for how they may be implemented.

Privatisation of fisheries (ACT party).

All current fish will be tagged and numbered. Ownership of individual fish will be transferred from Quota holders to private individuals, thus ensuring a genuine free-market in fishing. When a tagged fish is caught the fisher may enter into a negotiation process with the owner to either settle a sale price, pay the fisher for the costs of catching the fish and transporting it to the owner for consumption, or for the release of the fish unharmed should the owner insist on this. Should the fish suffer damage while in the care of the fisher, the owner may seek redress through the courts.

Newborn, untagged fish will be assigned to owners in turn as they are caught according to a register of citizens kept for each species. In order to maintain a free-market owners will not be allowed to transfer the ownership of fish to anyone other than the fish themselves, in which case negotiations will take place directly between the fish and the fisher. Police numbers will be massively increased to prevent fishers negotiating contracts with fish kept under duress, or failing to report the catching of fish to owners.

Financial Advice On Surviving the millennial bug (NZ First Party).

In order to crisis proof your savings from the technological collapse that the Y2K bug will bring, draw all of your money out of the bank now (if you leave it till December, the Banks won’t have enough money left to give you). Also, sell all your assets and buy gold bullion. In the last week of December, sell the gold (at massively inflated prices as everyone tries to safeguard their savings in this way) and purchase a generator, a tanker of fuel, a large secure coolstore, and mountains of good quality chocolate biscuits. For the next few months you will have the only supply of freely convertible chocolate biscuits, which will be an increasingly desirable commodity, and for which people will be prepared to pay or do almost anything.(1)

Artistic licence (Labour Party).

Artists can draw the artistic benefit, the amount of which is three times the unemployment benefit. The artist will not be hassled on to a work scheme, so long as they produce one piece of work per year (allowances will be made for artistic blocks).

Education (National Party).

A minimum of three teachers per classroom. Two are for restraining the pupils, the other is for teaching.

Realistic school mottos like “work is heck” and “Life is short, be careful”.

Because teaching is 90% entertainment, and 10% knowledge, teachers will be trained as entertainers. They will need a minimum one year of busking experience after obtaining their degree before qualifying.

Environment (Future New Zealand).

There has been too much talk about animal rights and not enough about animal responsibilities. The continued destruction of the native forest by introduced animals in totally unacceptable. Any species found damaging native flora will be given long jail sentences. If they reoffend, then they will be deported back to where they came from.

(1) Don’t tell anyone else about this. The success of this scheme relies on you being the only one.


Jacobitism

A Political Force since 1688

Every clan needs a collective tribal vision and mythos, adding to the Clan members identity, and feelings of belonging, and rooting them in history while giving them a future. After the Great Leap Backwards, the Ministry of CLAN PLANNING will help construct such Clans.

Partly fact, partly fiction, the following is Clan McGillicuddies Tribal Myth.

The Fall of the Stewarts

The Royal House of Stewart ruled Scotland for over three hundred years, until James VII (II of England) was illegally ousted by the “Whigs” - the liberal faction within the English parliament in 1688. They placed William III (known as William of Orange) and his wife Mary II (James’ daughter by his first marriage) on the throne. They and their successor, Mary’s sister Anne, were chosen for their Protestantism, whereas James and His son (by His second marriage), James VIII, were Catholic. It was following James’ birth and the threat of a Catholic succession that caused the crisis that saw the rightful King flee to France.

There arose in Scotland and indeed in England (the two countries were, unfortunately, being jointly ruled even then) a lot of supporters for the exiled James. This was made worse by the Throne passing out of the Stewart family on Ann’s death in 1715. George, the “Elector of Hanover” became King, through a dodgy piece of Parliamentary legislation that rewrote the Royal Family’s genealogy.

The Jacobite Rebellions

James’ supporters became known as the Jacobites (the Latin word for James is Jacobus). They stuck to the belief that James VII was their rightful Monarch, and should be returned to the throne. On his death their allegiance transferred to His son James VIII, and then to his grandson Charles III Stewart (the famous popular hero Bonnie Prince Charlie). On four separate occasions, during this period of great anguish, their supporters endeavoured to stage patriotic uprisings to reinstall the rightful Monarch. Sadly all of these failed, the most spectacular and consequently the most disastrous of which was the last.

In 1745 Bonnie Prince Charlie landed in Scot land and rallied the Clans, many of whom threw caution to the wind and heeded His call to overthrow the second Hanoverian King, George II. After a series of minor victories, they were utterly destroyed by the Hanoverian troops (who were lowlanders, English, Irish and German) on a moor at Culloden near Inverness. So ended the violent upnsings, and with the later death of Charles’ brother, Henry IX, so did the hopes of the Stewarts regaining Scotland’s Throne

The defeat of Culloden was devastating enough for the Highland Clans, many of whom lost huge numbers of their finest men, but that was nothing compared to the horror that was to follow.


In the months after the battle, the Hanoverian troops, led by Duke of Cumberland, (boo, hiss), went on a bloody rampage, slaughtering anyone suspected of being even remotely connected with the uprising, and confiscating land. He earned the nickname "the Butcher” for his efforts.

Wishing to stamp on the Scottish nation once and for all, laws were enacted disallowing certain expressions of Scottish culture. Two stand out in particular; the outlawing of the wearing of the kilt or any form of tartan, and the banning of the music of the bagpipes (although some may claim that the latter was for more humanitarian reasons - due to their awful din). In force for eight decades, these laws were specifically designed to destroy the Scottish Culture and make the people considerably less troublesome as a consequence.

At the end of this period, from the 1830’s onwards, insult was added to injury through the apparent resurrection and romanticisation of highland traditions by the likes of Sir Walter Scott, the Sobieski Brothers and finally Queen Victoria herself, that reduced a once proud culture to a shallow, regimented imitation. Many of the things seen today as “Scottish” spring from this relatively recent tradition, not the original.

The Highland Clearances

The Scottish nation may have withstood this onslaught, were it not for the fact that hot on its heels came the Industrial and Agricultural Revolutions, and with them the Highland Clearances. These were carried out for financial gain by the new capitalists with no consideration for the human misery.

The Lairds abandoned their traditional roles as Tribal Chiefs and became Feudal-style Lords, taking control, of what has been communally owned land. Subsistence farming gave way to large scale agriculture, and country people were kicked off the land and replaced by sheep. Most of the Highlanders were either forced onto ships and taken to new British colonies in the Americas and the Caribbean or driven south to become cheap labour in the industrial cities of the lowlands or England. A generation later, as their conditions became steadily worse in the slums, many of these people followed their compatriots into exile and migrated “willingly” to Canada, Australia and New Zealand. Their descendants brought the hollow Victorian remnants of their shattered culture and it is this that we see today in Aotearoa in the form of pipe bands, family tartans, Scottish dancing and Highland games. Five Sixths of all Scottish people now live outside of Scotland.




The Return of the Jacobites

The Jacobite cause appeared to have lain dormant until the late 1970’s. At the furthest point in time and space from where the Celts came from, in Hamilton, Aotearoa, began the seeds of the new Scottish Nation, in the form of Clan McGillicuddy. Shortly after their foundation, the McGillicuddies became aware that the spirit of the Royal House of Stewart had been reborn in one of their number - whom we shall call Geoff (1). Immediately He was hailed as Bonnie Prince Geoffie and moves were made to have him crowned the King of New Zealand. Although fiercely warlike, the McGillicuddies are not violent people, and for them war is a highly complex festive ritual. For this reason not a drop of blood was spilt in the abortive 1982 Jacobite uprising. They marched on Wellington, - New Zealand’s Capital - but were stopped from seizing the city by troops loyal to Elizabeth II of England after the untimely, but highly theatrical death of their leader, the Viscount Hastings, when he stepped back on his own kumara (2).

Having failed once by military means Clan McGillicuddy turned to the political arena where in 1983 the Laird of Hamilton, Graeme Cairns, Chief of Clan McGillicuddy, ran for Mayor of Hamilton. The following year the McGillicuddy Serious Party was formed to contest the General Election. Frustrated by their progress in the 1984 and 1987 General Elections the McGilhcuddies again took up the paper sword on the tricentenary of Parliaments illegal seizure of power in 1688, and marched again on Wellington, with eviction orders for all members of parliament. However, like all Jacobite military operations, whether violent or pacifist, this amounted to little more than yet another landmark in romantic history. The Clan returned to the political arena in 1990 and in 1993 gained more than 11,000 votes. In 1996, under the MMP system, the Party gained .29% of the party vote and 12,178 constituency votes. Obviously New Zealand is increasingly ready for the McGillicuddy Message.

As an essentially Jacobite party, the McGillicuddy Serious Party’s aim is to install Geoffrey I on the throne of New Zealand, and for New Zealand to then break away from the British Commonwealth and become a self governing Monarchy. Since genuine highland culture died out in Scotland generations ago it falls to the survivors of the Celtic Diaspora here in Aotearoa to pick up the pieces and start again. After the transference of the principle Scottish National Treasures from Edinburgh and London, we will carry out the Scottish Renaissance here in the South Pacific.

(1) Names have been changed to preserve the privacy of those involved and to implicate innocent strangers.

(2) “Nolite Regredire in Kumarum Vestrum” literally (Don’t step back on your own kumara) - ancient motto of Clan McGillicuddy, meaning “Don’t be the author of your own undoing.”


Monarchy

The Serene and Efficient Monarch.

A better way of governing by far is having a King or Queen. The monarch is not required to down tools every few years and embark on a 12 month election campaign, and hence can devote themselves whole heartedly to the business of running the show. The relative secunty of the position means that when They make decisions They can ignore the public’s whimsical nature (and ability to turf Them out with the flick of the collective pen). They can tell us exactly how things are getting on, without having to lie a lot and make things appear better than they really are. Interestingly the Monarch also has leeway to make public statements of a light hearted or frivolous nature, the object being to simply cheer up the nation.

Redefining Monarchy.

In contrast to stereotypical Monarchic systems, our monarch will be comparatively powerless, and literally a pauper. All civic power will rest squarely with the clans, who will be responsible for their own laws, administration, justice, tax collection, and defence. The King or Queen owns nothing, does not collect tax, and does not employ a standing army, other than a few personal body guards, a few witchdoctors, monks, shamans, priestesses, jesters, bards, musicians and the rest of the travelling roadshow.

Instead the Monarch is a seat of wisdom, whereby They can be consulted for opinion and conflict resolution. They are a storehouse of information and a facilitator of culture and intertribal communication. Their role is also mystical, for S/He is the living symbol of the people and in this they are super-human and have hero status. They are a topic for polite, after dinner conversation. They also provide a focus for remaining nationalistic emotions, like flag waving and anthem singing as they travel the country in a loud, colourful, stylish roadshow, entertaining the scattered Tribes with humour, pageantry, and mysticism,. In return the tribes are to accommodate them, feed them, and donate towards the running costs (a good opportunity to get rid of unwanted junk). No doubt Clans will eagerly await the arrival of the monarch, but will breathe a collective sigh of relief when They leave.

The Monarch reflects the love of their followers straight back to them making everybody happier. This is the model of true leadership that the McGillicuddy vision aspires to, and the people of Aotearoa deserve.


The Monarch’s Line of Descent.

The Monarchy will follow a line that differs from the conventional transference from parent to child familiar to all (primogeniture). Although the Spirit of the Royal House of Stewart is still embodied within every Monarch, this unique ingredient (an essential aspect of an ongoing Monarchistic line) is seen by the McGillicuddies as having the potential to be born in absolutely anyone, no matter how lowly their station in life, and seemingly independent of who their parents are.

The ruling Monarch, at times during their reign, will, by the use of prayer and intuition, give some indication of the location and perhaps appearance, name, or occupation of the woman who is to bear the next Royal Stewart. The search for this child is carried out after the monarch’s death by the gathered representatives of all the Clans, all aware of the importance of perpetuating the pure line of benevolent, non-partisan, non-violent Monarchs, devoid of greed and other nasty attributes that have been their downfall in the past. They must come to a consensus and unanimously choose the child who, once chosen, must leave their family and, forsaking conventional Clan life, begin touring the clans. There begins the extraordinary and elaborate education process that readies Them for the Throne, as the epitome of Queenly and Kingly benevolence and wisdom. Coincidentally a very similar system has been used in Tibet for the last thousand years.

It is through this system of succession that the early McGillicuddies revelation that Geoffie I was the descendent of Bonnie Prince Charlie takes meaning and in this way the spint of the Stewart’s will one day pass from Geoffie I to His successor, whoever that may be.

The Monarch’s Amazing Education

The election of Members of Parliament is at best a rather hit and miss affair. We never really know what motley crew will end up in Parliament, and whether they will possess the range of skills required to govern the highly complex social, legal, and financial mechanism that is New Zealand society. Contrast with this the astonishingly good education that a child destined to be Monarch could receive, with individual and specifically-directed tuition. Their every waking hour is readying them for the task of ruling the country.

They can be taught a most comprehensive range of skills, that will give Them an excellent working knowledge of Aotearoa, and make Them experts in such fields as agriculture, health, finance, justice, history, religion, philosophy, art, science, architecture, sport, languages and many more. They also have the chance to acquire such interpersonal skills as oratory and dealing pleasantly with annoying people, as well as subtle human traits such as evenness of temperament, generosity, compassion, fairness, a sense of humour.. .all these invaluable attributes can be instilled in our future rulers so they can best fulfil the role. Although this fantastic personalised education would require more time and energy than any other person’s education, it is, however, the soundest in -


-vestment we can make in our future. After all, if you want something done well you have to train somebody to do it. Why should this be true for all other vocations, and not for the one that is most important - ruler of this country.


Cheap and best

Critics of monarchy often point to the outlandish expense the citizens have to bear in maintaining the Royal Family. This financial burden may have been true in the past, and indeed may still be the case in some countries, but it is not a necessary part of Monarchy and will not be a feature of the McGillicuddy Monarchy. Certainly the Queen or King will be kept in a style befitting this most important public Servant, being decked out in the finest clothing on public occasions, and will be kept in a state of considerable comfort. But this is not at all expensive and can easily be achieved through tribal charity. Indeed the McGillicuddy Monarch need own nothing at all - not even the modest royal palace They will occasionally reside in when not touring the country. They will, for all intents and purposes, be paupers.

There is a twofold aim in this. It is a safety mechanism that prevents any Monarch abusing their position of influence for their own gains as well as strictly limiting the number of Royal Assets the nation is obliged to maintain. The net end result of this is a system of great grandeur and political efficiency that will be the envy of the known world, and at the same time cost each New Zealander practically nothing in upkeep.

Replacing Democracy with Monarchy

There is an obvious irony in the fact that the McGillicuddy Serious Party has first to gain sufficient votes under the present democratic system in order to demolish that system, and implement in its place a Monarchy. But the citizens of Aotearoa may rest assured that the day they vote the McGillicuddy Serious Party in as a majority will be the day this vulgar voting business ends for good, and they will never again be required to indulge in such an undignified and stupid activity. The very first thing that the McGillicuddy Serious Party will do once we become Government is the complete dissolution of Parliament once and for all, and the immediate crowning of Bonnie Prince Geoffie (or His successor) as King (or Queen) of New Zealand.

Initially They will be extremely busy as there will be much for them to do of a contemporary political nature, overseeing the massive regression of New Zealand to a pre-industrial society. Then, as the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS© nears its completion, the Monarchs duties will take on a more ceremonial and spiritual role, travelling the land, conferring with Chiefs and Elders and officiating at festivals, rituals and parties. They will still remain head of state, but with the localised and relatively independent nature of the Clans, there effectively will be no state as we know it.

(1) Luckily, statistics show that parties entering their sixth election usually win.

The Great Leap Backwards©

Fixing everything at once.

Modern society, the supposed remedy for humanities ills, is instead causing painful social breakdown. Other political parties talk a lot about solving unemployment, crime, poverty, pollution, housing shortages, etc but if they knew how, then surely they would have succeeded by now. Instead society just keeps getting worse. It is clear Politicians, democracy and technology can’t fix these problems because they are all interrelated and part and parcel of modern society.

The solution is obvious to anyone who stops for a moment to think about it. Things were much better in the good old days. The McGillicuddy Serious Party will bring back these days. If the future looks that bleak we should simply avoid it. The Great Leap Backwards involves redeveloping the entire country, in every way, along medieval lines. As Aotearoa becomes increasingly old fashioned more and more of our present social ills will, necessarily, cease to exist.

In the short term, people will be trained in appropriate old fashioned occupations and the massive reconstruction will ensure full employment for some years. Settlements will change their appearance and size, becoming medieval in style. Many towns and cities will probably disappear altogether, to be replaced by vast numbers of tiny villages dotted across the country side. Castles, shrines, pa, village greens, marae, henges etc.. all these will become common sights across the country.

The tribal or clan system will become the basic unit of organisation both socially and politically. The modern nuclear and sub nuclear family, the cause of many of our social ills, will be replaced by the extended family, and the clan and community involvement will play an increasingly important role in everyone’s lives.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCES

There are Ten changes in the picture on the right.




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(1) We can then sue the promoters of World War I “the war to end all wars,” for false advertising.



Bye bye mean and nasty cities....

Total Decentralisation

In line with ancient practises most areas will become fairly cut off from one another, localised and highly individualistic, developing a very definite regional character of their own, and becoming largely self governing. Local Body Government as we know it will be done away with, and all such matters will become the concern of the Clan Elders. Unlike the Lords of the feudal system, the Clan Elders status is due to their mana within the Clan, not their position through wealth, landlord or employer. The selection, duration of office, disposal and extent of their powers will be up to each Clan to determine. The elders will be the people with their fingers on the pulse of the Clan’s desires.

Do not be fooled into believing that returning to the distant past will naturally make life nasty, brutish and short. This is not a reenactment of medieval Europe, but a regression with hindsight. Through the Great Leap Backwards, New Zealand will change its emphasis from a confusingly technological, empty, and relatively unhappy money-grubbing lifestyle to a culturally rich tribal society. It will result in a much more meaningful, fun and hence more enjoyable life for all New Zealanders.




Tribalism

A Real Culture

Culture: the ideas, customs and art produced and shared by a particular society. It is almost a necessary outcome when people congregate together. Yet, when we look at present day New Zealand, what we call culture is rather empty and vacuous.

Most of the original Pakeha settlers from Britain, particularly the Scots and the Welsh, ar

rived in Aotearoa with their culture in tatters (see JACOBITISM). They continued to copy some of the behaviour of the parent culture, but developed their own quaint interests and ways of doing things eg. “rugby, racing and beer”, the Edmond’s Cookbook, Buzzy Bee (now made in China), etc. “Kiwiana” could have been the beginnings of a true Pakeha culture in the 50’s and 60’s. Whether these concepts constituted ‘culture’ or not, is debatable, but even they have been swamped by market driven, consumerist, US corporate ideology, which reduces culture to a commodity and the population to a spectator.

The Maori, too, have had their strong culture weakened to a shadow of its former vibrancy. First by military invasion, then land acquisition and individual property ownership, then finally urbanisation and the bop, burgers and baseball caps of the current American monster. All this has left Maori and Pakeha in much the same boat.

The New Scottish Synthesis

The McGillicuddy Serious Party wants to revitalise culture in New Zealand. The best way to do this is to encourage all peoples to readopt the Clan or tribal system, which will again be the basic unit of social organisation.

Clan McGillicuddy provides a blueprint for other emerging Clans to create their own culture and mythos. Clan McGillicuddy is a fanatically Scottish movement loosely based on traditional highland culture. Also included are aspects from wider Celtic traditions with layer upon layer of fun and a strong sense of absurdity. Scots, despite compromising the largest ethnic group in New Zealand, have no living culture. The Highland Clearances and the Anglicisation of the original Scottish Culture over the centuries has all but eradicated it. Many see the Scots culture as being dour, puritanical and sexist. Clan McGillicuddy is here to prod and tickle it back into shape.

Tribalism

The Clan or Tribe is the most successful social structure for nurturing culture. Your position in the Clan and the emotional and physical security that this brings, coupled with the Clan’s role in education and health will mean that tribal identity will become the most important aspect in everyone’s lives. The Clan will develop and implement all laws, myths, art, medicine, legends, language and costume, as well as tuition in work -


and general life skills necessary for life in a medieval, Funist society. A Clan’s laws, myths and legends are vital for everyone to appreciate who they are and where they stand in the world. Without this you might as well be a robot.

In the course of revving up the clan system, some new clans may need to be created to act as ‘umbrella tribes’ for people who wish to club together but who are not presently related to one another. This poses no problem for the Scottish Clan system, as a Clan is any group of people who trace their ancestry from the same real or mythical figure. Coupled with the fact that clans may grow, not just through births but also by adoption, then it is easy to see how (with a bit of imagination) Clans can be created that fulfil all the usual requirements (see: CLAN PLANNING).

The Clan will organise all industries, most of which will be of a subsistence nature, that produce the things that the Clan needs. The training for these activities will ultimately be carried out by more experienced Clan members. During the transitional period of the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS© the peasants will be taught by The McGillicuddy Serious Parties medieval training programs (see: EDUCATION, EMPLOYMENT).


Fierce Pacifist warriors

The establishment of each Clan’s irregular Pacifist Army will deal in a stylish way with any border disputes between Clans. They will also stage large scale and regular contests and pageants. The basis for this is already in existence throughout New Zealand. The McGillicuddy Highland Army has long been trained in the art of non-violent warfare and is able to conduct all menacing in a thoroughly delightful way. (see: DEFENCE).

Democracy

Tyranny of the idiots

People think that democracy is sacred, almost carved on stone and beyond question. Nobody questions whether democracy is a good idea or not. The range of political activity has narrowed to be simply a system of which idiot we choose, missing the all important choice of whether we want to be ruled by idiots at all. This misunderstanding arose because existing alternatives seemed worse. That was before the appearance of the McGillicuddy Serious Party in 1984.

The great catch-cry of enthusiasts for democracy is that it gives everyone in society a say. This misconception is clung to fiercely in spite of the fact that peoples “say” only consists of marking a voting paper once every three years. Even proponents of democracy should find offence at this. Instead of citizen involvement we have nothing more than a hoax designed to shut us up. Instead of people exercising their democratic rights, we have a parliament where the members of the party in power invariably all vote the same way. This is not representation. Politicians are in a position to do anything they jolly well please, oblivious to the wishes of those who put them there (although if they wish to stay in power, they will take pains to appear to be acting in the public interest).

Rogues and scoundrels

People are often grizzling about their MP or favourite party failing to cater to their needs. This lack of representation, a serious fault, is at least easy to recognise. More dangerous and of much more concern to the McGillicuddy Serious Party is the way in which elections encourage deceit, greed and others of the more despicable human attributes. Members of parliament are elected not necessarily on their ability to govern, but on their ability to create the impression that they can do so.

In order to outdo their competitors, every candidate needs to become a highly skilled conartist, if not an outright liar in their 3 yearly exercise in self-glorification and one-upmanship. At the end of any election chances are that the people of Aotearoa will have more or less blindly chosen a parliament full of rogues and scoundrels. Another major factor in any candidate’s success is the amount of money that they have to spend on publicity. This stinks...

The regular massive publicity drive and the ongoing petty backbiting in parliament and via the media is an appalling waste of everybody’s time and energy. As it stands, an MP’s first concern is staying in power. Second is financial self interest and doing well out of the position. Coming in a miserable third is the actual governing of the country.

The arguments between Democracy and Monarchy fall into three broad categories: Honesty, Efficiency, and Style.

Funism

The doctrinal basis of the McGillicuddy Serious Party

Funism is the maximum amount of fun for the maximum number of people. A Funist Society is one in which everyone has the most fun possible. This is the basis of all the Policies of the McGillicuddy Serious Party.

All political ideologies claim to be trying to make life more pleasurable. But you only have to look at their record to see how strikingly badly most of them have failed. Political doctrines have, so far, led us to misery, poverty and genocide.

With the collapse of Communism, many people think this has proved that Capitalism is therfore the best form of society. Actually, the only difference between the two, is the degree of the disaster. Most people living under capitalism, especially those in the third world, are thoroughly unhappy. Even those regarded as “successful” under capitalism, are often miserable. They just get to be miserable in comfort. Such suckers have fallen for the capitalist slogan “happiness is just another .......(1) away.”

People have been practising Funism in their spare time since the first amoeba learned to square dance, but it wasn’t introduced to the world of conventional politics until Karl Marx’s son in law, Paul La Fargue published his ground breaking essay The Right to be Lazy.

After years of creative research, a form of Medieval Tribal society has been scientifically proven to be the most fun. Medieval because low levels of technology will mean that people will spend more time enjoying each others company, both in work and play, and will live in a much healthier environment - healthier for themselves and the planet. Tribal because a society made up of many and varied tribes allows every individual to find their own place in the world and gives them the security of being a valued member of a caring community. Conditions for the pursuit of fun are maximised so everyone can have an inherently enjoyable lifestyle.

Working towards a Funist Society is neither a stupid nor childish activity. It is the most important and sensible of all human endeavours, and the McGillicuddy Serious Party is the first party in the history of the world to elevate it to the status of a fully-fledged political doctrine. The means for achieving this goal must also be Funist. The McGillicuddy Serious Party make use of satire, slapstick and ridicule, stupidity and jocular performance in their pursuit of power, despite the widely held view that such activities are not really politics.

(1) Insert the name of your favourite luxury item.


The Reducing Lunar Sand Standard

New economic formulae

The McGillicuddy Serious Party will establish a new method of fixing the value of the means of exchange, It is the “Reducing Lunar Sand Standard.” It works as follows. At the new moon, the value of the means of exchange is pegged at the weight of the monarch in sand, ie. the citizens can either pay for goods, services, rent etc. with cash, or the approximate 60-70 kg of sand (or similar, eg. gravel, small rocks, river pebbles or silt etc). Daily, this standard is halved; that is, the next day 30-35 kg of sand will buy you a dollar’s worth of goods etc.

This process of halving continues for a lunar month whence the standard is set again at the Monarch’s new weight and the process repeats. The responsibility of the Reserve Bank will be exchanging money for sand at ‘up to date’ rates.

Credit

It is the right of every person to put things on tick and pay at the end of the month when sand is worth more.

Conclusion

Since by the end of the lunar month the means of exchange will be worth approximately 0.6 milligrams of sand, the citizenry will be able to pay goods and services without having to lug enormous amounts of sand around.

Conversely, if you felt like annoying someone, there is the opportunity to dump mountains of the stuff at their feet for the purchase of minor and unnecessary goods. Finally it is hoped that by the time there is an extremely fat Monarch the ridiculousness of exchanging sand for the necessities of life will have sunk in and the practise will have fallen into disuse.



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ANSWERS TO SPOT THE DIFFERENCES

1 No window on far left hut. 2 Track, near gate. 3 One less apple in top tree. 4 One less flag on castle. 5 One less bird. 6 One less tree in top of forest. 7 Extra sock on Scotsman 8 Longer point on sign. 9 Horse has no front hoof. 10 No axle stub on front wheel.



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Credits

The 1999 McGillicuddy Manifesto was written by Graeme, Greg, Sam, KT, Droid, Bernard in Tongariro National Park, early April 1999. Art by Bryce(4, 18, 19, 20), Droid (pop-up, p29), Heidi (p7), Sam (cover, 6, 18, 22, 23, 27, 30, 31, 32). Additional images sourced by Anna, Greg. Again, this is a revision of the 1987, 1990, 1993, and 1996 manifesti so thanks to all whose ideas have added to the McGillicuddy ideology and mythos. Special thanks to Diane and Ron, Pip, and Jazz Blues Concept Bar Hamilton. Edited by Greg, Graeme, Paull and Jo. Published by Och-A-Non Publishing Empire Inc. Printed by John Walker Printers.


Recipe

BlackBun

Black Bun is a rich and delicious fruit cake formerly eaten on twelfth Night, but nowadays served at Hogmanay. (New years eve). It should be made several weeks before it is wanted, like a Christmas cake, so that it can mature.

FOR THE CASING

8 oz. (2 cups) flour 1 beaten egg for finishing A little cold water

4 oz ( 1/2 cup) butter 1/2 tsp baking powder

TO MAKE THE CASING

Rub the butter into the flour, add baking powder and mix to a stiff paste with water (about 4 tbsp). Put on to a floured board, and roll out to a thin sheet. Grease a loaf tin 8 in. by 4 in. and line with the pastry, keeping back enough for the lid.

FOR THE FILLING

2 lb seedless raisins 1 tsp ground cinnamon

3 lb currants ¼ tsp black pepper

1/2 lb chopped blanched almonds 1 flat tsp cream of tartar

¾ lb (3 cups, scant) flour 1 flat tsp baking powder

1/2 lb (1 cup) sugar 1 tbsp brandy

2 tsp Jamacia pepper (allspice) 1/4 pint ( 1/2 cup) milk

1 tsp ground ginger

TO PREPARE THE FILLING

Mix all the filling ingredients together except the milk. Then add just enough milk to moisten the mixture. Put it into the lined tin and put the pastry lid on top, damping the edges well to make it stick. Prick all over with a fork, and with a thin skewer make four holes right down to the bottom of the cake, brush with beaten egg and cook in a slow (225°F) oven for about 3 hours. It will keep for a year in a airtight container.


Further Reading

The first McGillicuddy Manifesti were written largely free of direct outside influence. Since then members have been exposed to a number of authors working in the fields of Deep ecology, Permaculture, Utopianism, Sociology, Anthropology, and Anarchism, to name but a few. What follows is a recommended further reading list of these works as well as other relevant material in the fields of Scottish history and culture, Absurdist politics and propaganda and street performance. We hope this will help those interested in exploring the very real possibility of a Great Leap Backwards.

(Where more than one title by an author is relevant we have listed the most appropriate).

BETTELHEIM, Bruno; The children of the dream, Paladin. Britain, 1969

BELICH, James; I Shall Not Die

BLACK, Bob: The Abolition of work, Och-A-Non, New Zealand, 1991

BRAHMA, Earnest: Kai Lung Unrolls His Mat

BUCHANAN, Sam: The Transmogrification of Everyday Life, Och-A-Non, NZ, 1993

CARROLL, Lewis; Alice in Wonderland

CARTER, Forest; The Education of Little Tree

COULT, Tony (ed); Engineers of the Imagination, Methuen, Britain, 1983,1990

de MONTALK, Count Geoffrey Potocki, Kahore, Kahore!: Which is what the chieftains said when the pakehas wanted to buy Remuera.

DPRK; Bestial Atrocities of Military Fascist Clique in South Korea, Govt. of North Korea, 1980

FLANNERY, Tim; The Future Eaters

FUKUOKA, Matsuoka: The One Straw Revolution

GOLDSMITH, Edward; The Great U-Turn: De-Industrialising Society, Green Books, Britain, 1988

GOSKINNY and UDERZO; Asterix Series

GRAHAM, Winston; Poldark Series

GRAIL, Marcus: Lipstick Traces: The Secret History of the Twentieth Century

HENRI, Adrian; Environments and Happenings, Thames and Hudson, 1974

HOFFMAN, Abbie; Revolution for the Hell of It.

HOME, Stewart; Assault on Culture

HUXLEY, Aldous: Island, Penguin, Britain, 1962

JANSSON, Tove; Finn Family Moomintroll

JUENGER, Fredrich; The Failure of Technology. Gateway, U.S.A., 1949

LIONNI, Leo; Parallel Botany

MAYBERRY-LEWIS, David; Millennium: Tribal Wisdom in the Modern World, Viking Penguin, USA, 1992

MCGILLICUDDY, Clan; Th ‘Noo, No.s 1-13. Och-A-Non, New Zealand.

MCGILLICUDDY SERIOUS PARTY; Manifesto 1987,1990,1993,1996. Och-A-Non, New Zealand.

MCLUHAN, Marshall; The Medium is the Message, Bantam, USA, 1967

MASON, Bim; Street Theatre and Other Outdoor Performance, Routledge, Britain. 1992

MANTAK, Chia; Taoist Secrets of Love

MOLLISON, Bill; Permaculture Designers Manual, Tagari, Australia, 1990

NEVILLE, Richard; Playpower, Paladin, Britain, 1970

OAKLEY, Graham; Henry’s Quest,. Britain. 1986

PARK, Geoff; The Nga Uruora

PLEASURE TENDANCY, The; Thesis against Cynicism

PREBBLE, John: Culloden, Penguin, Britain, 1961

RALSTON SAUl., John; The Doubters Companion, Penguin, Canada, 1995.

ReSEARCH; Pranks, Research, USA, 1987

ROBBINS Tom; Jitterbug Perfume

SHAKESPEARE, William; Macbeth

SHAWCROSS, William; The Year Zero

SITUATIONALIST INTERNATIONAL; Revolutionary Self-Theory

SWIFT, Jonathon: A Modest Proposal, circa 1723

WALKER, Ranganui; Ka Whawhai Tonu Matou

WORSLEY, Peter; The Trumpet Shall Sound, Paladin, Britain. 1957

McGSP 1999 Manifesto Contents